My scrap of dirt

So. I'd like to say in advance this is probably not going to make much sense, but I want to put all of it out there. It's a rant about sexuality and desire mostly and it's all been whirling in my mind a while.

It's been a long journey since I first kissed Fan'. I meticulously jumped all the hoops: it's just this one girl, I'm bi, I'm gay, I'm SO gay. A lot of people know I like girls, I don't really try to hide it. I'm comfortable with that, and I've been lucky enough to live and be in places where it's not a threat to my life to be comfortable with it. It's been a long journey and I've learned a lot. About gays, lesbians, coming out, discrimination, homophobia, heterosexism, stereotypes, inequalities, common experiences, civil rights, gender identity, pride, trans.

( The truth is that transgenderism fascinate me. )

( There's something else I've sort of come to terms with, and that's got more to do with sexuality and desire. )

I still have a lot to learn, even within "my" "community", but I like the journey it's all taken me on. I'm so grateful for everyone I've met that's taught me to push my limits a little further. It's more complex and it doesn't all make sense, but I feel a better person for it. I hope I am a better person for it.

"On n'a qu'un pays, le sien." ("We only have one country, our own.")
- Nicolas Sarkozy, place de la Concorde


I almost wish it was this obvious for me, too.

Gay extravaganza!
Part 2!

Careful! This post is going to contain spoilers for the one but last episode of Torchwood.

I can't remember precise instances, but I remember some of my straight friends complaining gayness was showing up everywhere. And that everybody always got so excited about it. The realm of LJ and fandom in general takes that and blows it out of proportion - slash pairings seem to beat other pairings in the interest they raise by miles, and I mean by miles. But most of the fans getting intense about these gay couples potrayed (or not) on TV aren't gay themselves. So this isn't some big surge of love for TV finally potraying "our" relationships on screen (I'm not denying a lot of straight people permanently have two thumbs up for gay couples and it's very couple, I'm just saying it's not blind "they're like us so they're cool" love).

So the question is, ( is it really cooler to be a same-sex couple on TV? )



Up next, and probably tomorrow (since it's two in the morning)...
Gender roles and (male) gay couples : is it really easier to be reduced to doing the dishes because you live with another man?

So yeah, I need to write a little something about what seems to be pretty much the definitive results of this election.

It's funny, because I don't actually believe much in that Constitution, in the sense that it *is* pretty unsatisfying and too liberal for my own taste. Yet I can't help being (once more?) disappointed by the vote of my fellow citizens. I can't say I voted knowing exactly everything this constitution implies, because I don't think anyone could, anyway. I do feel like I voted knowing what the general stakes were.

The thing is - as I just told stampinground - I can't think nationally. I'm not sure exactly where it comes from, but I can never think only of France. And - I like Europe. I like the idea of countries getting together, trying to work things out. Going forward together. Being stronger together. And we've started doing so through economics. It's a doubtful choice if you want my opinion, but it's been working, and maybe it's what matters most in that case. And - if there is one reason why I was looking forward to having a European Constitution, it's because it does more. By simply exisiting, it creates something more. It creates Europe. The real one. One where we're tied by the same words, by the same main beliefs.

One where we all say together, we refuse to discriminate against someone based on their gender, religion, sexual orientation, political beliefs. If only just that... it means something to me.



The Constitution was a compromise between 15 countries. A compromise kind of always sucks. It's doomed to, when you're trying to satisfy countries that are as different as Danemark, Poland, the UK and France. We all see things differently. I'm attached to some things we have in France, but something in me refuses to say we have the best system. I can't help thinking, no matter how left-wing I am, that Nothern Europe countries such as Finland or Sweden do better socially than we have ever done, and yet they're pretty liberal, economically-speaking. Maybe they've got something figured out that we haven't. I want to ask them and learn from them.


Rejecting that Constitution... what are we saying? What are we doing? Are we going to draft a new one? Is it realistic to think we'll reach a better compromise now that Europe has 25 members? Is it realistic to think we can write something less liberal when liberalism is what Europe is founded on? When the majority of the countries are right-wing right now? Can you really write something more socially advanced when countries like Poland are so far behind already?

More importantly... what now? What happens next? How long will it take, now, to build a political Europe, if we've just rejected it?


I think I'm a little annoyed because the wound from 2001 still hurts. Because I'm only 19, but I trust politicians more than most of my fellow citizens, because at least politicians (speaking in the general sense - Joss knows individually there are some politicians I hate with a deep passion) get involved. I feel like most people now... they vote (if they do) and that's it. That doesn't really make you a citizen, does it? And to be fair, at least for this elections there were debates. Not well handled for the most part, but it was a start.

My question is, of all the people who just rejected the constitution because they want a Europe that's more social / less liberal, how many are going to actually DO something to help change the constitution? How many are going to get any information about how they can involved? And how many are just going to sit there and wait for a new draft for come along?

Maybe that's what bothers me the most tonight. Voting yes induced a lot of things that I'm not sure I was going to be happy with, or proud of. But I did think it was a step forward. We refused to make that step forward tonight, and it's fine for lots of reason. But I feel a lot of the discontent that explains the victory of the no is not going to transform into anything productive. And that bothers me. Because I don't like the idea of refusing something, but then not helping finding a new, better way to go forward. And I'm afraid that's exactly what's going to happen...

After all, the abstention rate at the local elections a month after LePen got to the second round was as big as ever. Can I ever trust my fellow citizens to get involved?




What about me... am I even getting involved myself?




I want to build something strong. A political identity. I want the Spanish, the English, the German, the Dannish, the Lithuanian... to be my fellow citizens. I can't see the future any other way... Maybe I'm trying to tie myself in. Maybe I think if I feel I'm an actual European citizen, in the strongest political sense of the word, I won't feel like going away. I won't need to cross the ocean to feel at home. Why don't I ever feel at home here? Am I losing my ideals for settling for a compromise?




EDIT : Just read that post at twxiou's and I think it's pretty interesting to read. I'd like to hear the thoughts of those of you who voted no.

EDIT as I read my Flist : I read that in anna_tarawiel's comments, and I do agree. If there is one thing that I do hope tonight, as strongly as I can, is that my reasoning was wrong all along and that those of you who voted no because you want to build something better were right.