J'y vois un peu clair... maintenant

[greenie_breizh]

Just back from a dinner at Barbara's. It was lovely for the most part. I got to talk for quite a long while with one of her friends, Alicia, who lived in Atlanta for a year last year, so we discussed American stuff (especially school things) a lot and it was just a really nice conversation. From what I noticed, Hélène and Marie mostly talked with each other and tended to always stray back to the topic of school (in one form or another) - I know I can never do that if other people in the conversation don't know school well, because I'm afraid they'll be bored and all. Anyway.

Early in the evening I got a bad feeling because Alexandre, Barbara's boyfriend, was talking of working in the military and how it was "easier for gays". This can seem so ironic at first considering how homophobic the army tends to be, but what he really meant was that working in the military made it more complicated to have a family, so it seemed like he was making the assumption that gays can't have a family - I tried to correct him but he didn't hear right and I didn't want to press the issue, especially since he wasn't being like overtly homophobic or anything.

Later on though, I somehow found myself discussing gay marriage. It's funny because this crowd seemed to be typical of people who don't see themselves as homophobic (and in all fairness, they're really not the worst kind, that's for certain) but maintain positions that clearly are. They were basically saying marriage is a man-and-woman institution that's always been there, that marriage was for procreation, that two men together isn't "natural". I tried my best to correct them on a number of things (especially the unnatural bit) and explain why it was important that marriage would be an option for gay people too. Alicia helped me out a little which felt nice, but on the whole - it felt so uncomfortable. (Btw, anyone has a comprehensive way of explaining why there's a symbolic difference between signing a civil union in a Court House and being married at the City Hall?)

It's strange because I've been a stronger and stronger advocate for gay rights as time has gone by, and most of the time I manage to stay very cheerful about it all - I wasn't brought down by the extremist at the demonstrations at the State House, I've heard awful things in school that I've managed to let slide. But tonight - maybe it's because those people (who were very nice otherwise, not questioning this) sent me a strange message : "we tolerate you, but we're still better than you are". It wasn't like they were hateful or anything, and obviously it wasn't what they were overtly saying, especially since I don't think they realized that I was gay. It made me feel more distressed than usual, and it's not a good feeling at all.

I don't think I brought up the topic myself (edit : I remember, I actually made a joke about how cheap the PACS - our civil union - was, probably forgetting for a sec I didn't know my audience, and they picked up on it. Funny part is, I think originally they were being sort of offended on the behalf of the gay community), and I wonder - should I just let it go when it comes up like this? Should I keep talking, keep trying to convince people of something that should be so obvious? I'm tired of it and I'm tired of having to justify myself, feeling like I have to explain that I want a family, I want my relationship to be officially recognized - why isn't it taken for granted like usual? It wasn't really that conversation was oppressive or anything - they listened to what I was saying and were willing to see my point - but it was like - for once I didn't want to have to talk about this. I didn't want to have to look like the activist lesbian once more to my school friends. Do straight people understand it's not activism? Do they understand it's just that it hurts, so I need to try and correct people wishing (maybe hopelessly) it's going to help? Do they see that I'm still going to go and say, I'm a lesbian, no matter what, but that others won't? Do they see that it's precisely why we have "gay places", why some gay people just don't bother trying to be friends with straight people? Do they understand how much better it feels for me to know I'm going at a party at a gay friend's, simply because I know I won't have that sort of discussion? Do they understand how much everything they say affects us gay people personally, not just theoritically? Do they understand that I don't respond to those discussions because I'm obsessed, but because otherwise those discussions painfully discard me and what I'm worth ?

Don't get me confused, I'm not ranting against straight people in general - I have straight friends I adore, and you know that because some of you are reading me right now. twixou's enthusiasm is always a great mood booster, and all of you have always been so supportive and I'm ever so grateful for you. Even in my circle of "less close" friends, Brice and Mélanie are a typical example of a straight couple I adore, because they acknowledge me and my couple as much as they would with anyone else. (Which by the way doesn't mean I think we should never debate about the gay community...)

I wish Fan' was here tonight, or that I could have gone to spend some time with "gay-friendly" people for a while. It's silly because it was not a long conversation at all, yet the ill-fitting feeling remains, probably partly because I feel like no one acknowledged how hurtful it can be for me to have to go through that conversation. Tonight strained me somehow.

Comments

[twixou.livejournal.com]

Ouais c'est clair ça devient un cercle vicieux, tu veux étre avec des hétéros mais tu préfére étre avec des gays, et + t'es avec des gays + tu supporte plu les réflexions homophobes, et blahblahblah... Complicated... :-/

Lol nan ya pas de filles. ;) C'est juste qu'avec tout les coming out chez les BR en ce moment jme demande combien de tps encore jvais pouvoir échapper à tout ça. :p