Sorry for the delay in response to all this, I had to dig myself out of a snowbank to make it to the computer;)
loL! No worries, I'm glad you're out of the snow ;) I'm pretty irregular about responses sometimes too :)
I think hesitation in approaching discussion of sexual activity is a GOOD thing, particularly when dealing with young minds. I think there is a point at which sex ed can be too casual with teaching about various sexual practices as it tends to…well, ”casualize” it, for lack of a better way of putting it. [...] in your opinion, what’s an effective way of handling that, that you’ve seen or done?
This is more theory than practice, but based on cursory knowledge of what's being done in northern European countries, it's certainly more effective than the shameful approach we tend to take.
I think we need to open about sex, and open about the fact that sex is not just one act (intercourse). I think being open about sex does not mean trivializing it, on the contrary. The problem is that when we hesitate on the topic, when we talk about it through veiled language, etc, we often end up recentering the act of intercourse, and I think a lot of the problems that we have around sex (and the discrimination that results sometimes, as for queer folks) comes from the fact that we understand sex as this one, HUGE thing: intercourse. By decentering intercourse, by starting to talk early about the fact that most people have sexual desires and that there are lots of ways to explore that - starting with lots of ways to explore that on your own, we empower people by giving them a range of options, instead of the having sex/staying abstinent dichotomy. By being open about sex and sexual desires and all the shapes that sex can take for different people, I don't think we make it casual - I think it frames it as something that's important, but it can be important to different people in different ways. Being more open about sex also allows you, as an educator (whatever that means, aka a parent is also an educator), can also be more open about intimacy. You can be more open about the fact that it's OK to say yes to something but no to the next because it makes you uncomfortable. You can be more open about the fact that saying yes to oral sex doesn't mean you have to say yes to intercourse. You can explain clearly that anal sex should be practice with care, with LOTS of lube. You can be more open about the fact that sharing these moments with someone means putting a lot of trust in their hand, and that you should make sure that you trust them before you go there. Unlike what you seem to be saying, I think being as open as possible about sex in all its shapes and forms doesn't mean not talking about its possible emotional implications, I think it opens up a space where it's OK to talk about these implications. I think you can say, "sex can be great and it can be fun" while still saying, "sex can be awful, and it's OK to talk about that". I also like to bring up asexuality whenever I can, because sex ed tends to assume that everyone has sexual desire, whereas there might be teens/adults in the audience that don't really feel that. So I like to remind my audience that sex is not something everybody wants. (But we have to be REALLY careful about not perpetuating the stereotype that boys want sex all the time/girls are the ones saying no, because that's super problematic.)
I don't know if that answers your question? Basically I think being open about sex doesn't mean to have to diminish the fact that it can be a pretty big step to take. But I also want us to make space for a much wider definition of sex, not just as intercourse, but as wide variety of intimate practices.
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Date: 2009-12-20 06:37 pm (UTC)loL! No worries, I'm glad you're out of the snow ;) I'm pretty irregular about responses sometimes too :)
I think hesitation in approaching discussion of sexual activity is a GOOD thing, particularly when dealing with young minds. I think there is a point at which sex ed can be too casual with teaching about various sexual practices as it tends to…well, ”casualize” it, for lack of a better way of putting it. [...] in your opinion, what’s an effective way of handling that, that you’ve seen or done?
This is more theory than practice, but based on cursory knowledge of what's being done in northern European countries, it's certainly more effective than the shameful approach we tend to take.
I think we need to open about sex, and open about the fact that sex is not just one act (intercourse). I think being open about sex does not mean trivializing it, on the contrary. The problem is that when we hesitate on the topic, when we talk about it through veiled language, etc, we often end up recentering the act of intercourse, and I think a lot of the problems that we have around sex (and the discrimination that results sometimes, as for queer folks) comes from the fact that we understand sex as this one, HUGE thing: intercourse. By decentering intercourse, by starting to talk early about the fact that most people have sexual desires and that there are lots of ways to explore that - starting with lots of ways to explore that on your own, we empower people by giving them a range of options, instead of the having sex/staying abstinent dichotomy. By being open about sex and sexual desires and all the shapes that sex can take for different people, I don't think we make it casual - I think it frames it as something that's important, but it can be important to different people in different ways. Being more open about sex also allows you, as an educator (whatever that means, aka a parent is also an educator), can also be more open about intimacy. You can be more open about the fact that it's OK to say yes to something but no to the next because it makes you uncomfortable. You can be more open about the fact that saying yes to oral sex doesn't mean you have to say yes to intercourse. You can explain clearly that anal sex should be practice with care, with LOTS of lube. You can be more open about the fact that sharing these moments with someone means putting a lot of trust in their hand, and that you should make sure that you trust them before you go there. Unlike what you seem to be saying, I think being as open as possible about sex in all its shapes and forms doesn't mean not talking about its possible emotional implications, I think it opens up a space where it's OK to talk about these implications. I think you can say, "sex can be great and it can be fun" while still saying, "sex can be awful, and it's OK to talk about that". I also like to bring up asexuality whenever I can, because sex ed tends to assume that everyone has sexual desire, whereas there might be teens/adults in the audience that don't really feel that. So I like to remind my audience that sex is not something everybody wants. (But we have to be REALLY careful about not perpetuating the stereotype that boys want sex all the time/girls are the ones saying no, because that's super problematic.)
I don't know if that answers your question? Basically I think being open about sex doesn't mean to have to diminish the fact that it can be a pretty big step to take. But I also want us to make space for a much wider definition of sex, not just as intercourse, but as wide variety of intimate practices.
(Damn you, LJ, and your comment character limit.)